A Different Kind of Christmas
Greetings everyone!
I’m back with another post. Well, more like a “I’m going to bare my heart, soul, and feelings (well, some of them)” kind of post. So, grab a cup of coffee, maybe some tissues, sit back, and strap in. Ready for the roller coaster? This time, it’s about the holidays.
Very important side note: James is doing extremely well!
For the past several weeks, I’ve been wondering: is there a right or wrong way to feel about Christmas? I’ve always loved the Christmas holidays, but this year feels… different. “Sad” doesn’t quite fit, and “depressing” feels too strong. Those words feel too far off the mark. Let me try and explain what I mean…
I’m sure as you’re reading this, you might be wondering why I’m not as excited about the holidays. You might be thinking, “Why aren’t you excited? It’s Christmas!” Perhaps you already know where this is going. And if you do, you might even feel like punching your screen and yelling, “BUT HE’S STILL HERE!”
Believe me, I know. I yell that to myself All. The. Time.
But the brain is an incredible organ—for better or worse. It can drag you to places you didn’t even know existed. And finding your way back out? Well, finding your way back is harder than you expect.
Which brings me back to the Christmas holidays. This year, these awful questions have been constantly looping in my brain:
How many more of these do we have left?
What do we buy?
How much should we buy?
What’s the point of buying stuff anyways?
And then, out of nowhere, there’s this tiny spark of rationality that kicks in and says (or yells), “Hey. Idiot. Stop it. Don’t go there.”
But those thoughts don’t just *poof* vanish. They linger. It doesn’t matter how much I tell myself not to dwell on them. This year, it’s hard not to compare to last year. Last year when it was “just epilepsy”. We were full of hope that this year would be better, but life had other plans. And no one could have prepared us for what this Christmas would feel like.
If nothing else, the holidays, as different as they feel this year, have reminded me of one thing: it’s okay to sit with those complicated feelings. It’s okay to not have the perfect cheer. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to not feel joyful all the time.
If you’re reading this and feeling something similar—like you’re walking a tightrope between joy and sorrow, hope and fear—know that you’re not alone. The holidays don’t have to look a certain way. It’s not required for them to be all glitter and perfection (although glitter does help—Seriously, I’m considering walking around with glitter in my pockets so I can randomly throw it and brighten someone’s day). Sometimes, they’re about holding on tightly to the things that matter most, even when your heart feels heavier than usual. Sometimes it’s about giving yourself permission to feel everything—both the highs and the lows.
So here I am, sitting in this swirl of emotions, caught between the weight of these questions, trying to figure out what or how to feel. The only thing I know for sure is that we love this child more than anything and that love grows more with every passing day. Every day with him matters and we don’t plan to waste them.
This Christmas, hold tightly to those you love. Cherish the moments. Take pictures, write the moments down, and truly live in them. Things we buy may fade, break, or be forgotten, but the memories—the moments we create with our loved ones—stay forever.
If you made it to the end, thank you for sticking with me through this emotional roller coaster. Sometimes, writing out your emotions feels like lifting a burden off your shoulders—and sharing those feelings allows others to help carry that burden with you.
We hope you and your loved ones have a very Merry Christmas filled with moments worth cherishing.
Much love from us!